Training a man is a lot like training a dog. I thought about this idea as I watched the finals of the International Sheepdog Festival in Midway, Utah yesterday. I saw how well these Border Collies obeyed the commands of their owners and thought, “if only women could have that same authority over men.” Well, I think we can. A lot of the same tricks and tactics used to train a dog can apply to training a man.

First, understand that dogs and men always have one of the following on their mind: food, sex, or attention. The key is to play off of one of these three instincts.

Second, the most important rule of effective training is consistency. Dogs and men are self-serving: if they know they can get away with something–they will. For example, if you don’t want your dog to jump on the couch, you should never let him on the couch. Never! If you give just once, the dog will think it’s okay all the time. Or, if you want a guy to call a few days in advance for a date, but he doesn’t call until 5 pm on a Saturday night, you don’t go out with him. You don’t! No matter how much you want to! You politely explain you need a couple days notice. If he really wants to go out with you, he’ll learn to call ahead.

Third, dogs and men respond very well to rewards—as long as it meets one of the three instincts listed above. (As a single Mormon, I’m really limited to just two.) The best treat to use is bacon. All dogs and human males are very obedient when it comes to crispy bacon. Peanut butter is a close second. Dogs and men are also very responsive to warmth and affection. For example, when you teach a dog to come to you, you always reward him with praise—the dog will always associate coming to you as a good thing. If you punish the dog when he comes—grabbing him by his collar and yanking him to his pen—the dog will expect that treatment when he comes to you. Same thing applies to men. If a man doesn’t “call you” in a week, but eventually does call, and you’re angry and upset at him…he won’t want to call again! Be cool when he calls, but remember to stay consistent according to the second rule above.

Lastly, it’s important to reward them with playtime. Interpret that as you like, but both dog and man need to relax and have fun amid all the rules and training.

So now that you have the rules of training, it’s time to choose your man. Keep in mind that different types of men act like different breeds of dogs.

· The northern breeds are nomadic—often retreating to roam the outdoors. They have lots of fur (hair) and prefer mountains and nature to the city. These are also the working dogs and are good for manual labor, whether it’s pulling a sled or building a deck.

· The small breeds suffer from short-man/dog syndrome. Neither short man nor small dog get respect due to their size, so they are often hyper and barky just so people recognize their presence in a room. These are often the pretty dogs or “metrosexuals” who like to be pampered, brushed and get facials.

· The loyal breeds are the Retrievers. You are their world. They are easy to train and do whatever you command—whether fetching a stick or picking up milk from the grocery store.

· The German breeds are the protective type. They like to be the man of the house, and you’ll feel very safe with them. They often have the façade as the tough-guy, which a lot of girls are hesitant of, but deep down they are really sweet and loving.

· The smart breeds are the Shepherds. If you’ve ever seen a Sheep Dog competition (like I did yesterday!), you’ll understand. You can give a task to these types of dogs/men and they’ll get it done. Trust them with either your livestock or money.

**So if you’re dating Jenny, know she is very good at rewarding. It is to your advantage to obey.

P.S. My favorite part of the festival was the splash dog competition.