They say you marry the family. I’ve had a handful of friends discover that they really didn’t know their in-laws before the nuptials. We single people need to learn from this.  So, in all fairness to my suitors, I have to disclose something I just discovered about my family: I think we’re closet rednecks.

I realized this as I was driving home last night from the movies. I went to see Forever Strong with Little Bro Chris, and as we pulled into my parent’s house, I noticed we had our Christmas lights still on. I turned to Chris and asked,

“We still have our Christmas lights on?”

“Yup. A lot of my friends think it’s cool. Mom says it’s okay to have them up year round if they’re white lights.”

“But half of them are out!”

I then had a small epiphany: we are middle-class rednecks. Like a domino effect of sudden realization, my mind was inundated with all these signs and symptoms of…gasp…WT (white trashness). The following symptoms don’t mean much alone, but when put together, it starts to add up.

• Half my family wears sweats—daily.
• Our dog doesn’t have a tail and has the only diagnosed case of fleas in Utah.
• The garbage man says our family produces the most garbage that he’s ever seen. (We’ve gotten better at this. My mom just likes to throw things away, which thankfully isn’t very WT.)
• We have a family membership to the Heber Gun Club.
• Last year my dad and Chris followed the Daytona 500. For a week all I heard about was Juan Pablo. (They currently deny this, but my dad likes to go to the Larry Miller track and pretend he’s a racecar driver.)
• Andrew joined the army.
• A homecooked meal is Panda Express.
• Chris constantly walks around with his shirt off. Troy did the same when he was younger but now that he’s “not his high school self” he has matured into sweat pants.
• Kelsey used to wear thick black eyeliner every day. This symptom of WT has thankfully gone away as she is very naturally pretty. But I often catch her in sweats.
• Chris is hoping for an offer to play for LSU.
• Half-broken Christmas lights are on all year long.

This realization has been hard for my family–as we are proud of our liberal roots in the bay area. My parents are both registered democrats. We listen to NPR and love John Stewart. But is this just all a facade of the true Badgers? I don’t know. This is just a disclaimer that our family is…well…our own.

**We don’t know if the symptoms are contagious. So if you date Jenny, you may find yourself at the gun rage or watching Nascar in sweats. She is, however, looking for a cure via recycling and making friends with minorities.