Single people usually try to find various ways to expand their individuality, explore new identities with the hopes to make themselves more interesting and attractive to the opposite sex. This is often done by picking up new hobbies or traveling to foreign countries. But some go to even more drastic measures. I’m not talking about switching teams (even though I’d consider that extremely drastic), but finding your inner gangsta.

Remember in the movie Napoleon Dynamite when Napoleon’s brother meets that black chick online and teaches him how to roll like a brutha? Well, with some good ol’ fashion googling, I’ve found out how to get started on my way.

First, I’ll need a gangsta name, and you can get one at http://gangstaname.com. I’m now christened Jimbo da Rappa.

Second, I’ll need to get outfitted gangsta style. And since I don’t own a gun (or do I?), I’ll have to fight the Crips with music. I’ll need a hip-hop holster, which I can buy at https://hiphop-holster.com.

Also, I’ll need to bling out everything I own. Thanks to many online “urban” accessories stores, (http://www.icedoutgear.com/) I can get my grillz, giant diamond crosses, and all other bling blinged to blingest.

Eventually, I’ll have to learn how to talk like a gangsta. Someone recommended that I read an article in the Onion written by an accountant who is fluent in gangsta. Read it at http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/it_wuz_always_bout_tha.

Lastly, I need to move like a gangsta. My typical slouched shuffle called a walk won’t suffice. Maybe I can join my friend Adam, a very white guy who secretly takes hip-hop dance classes on 4th South and 5th East.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t think this is going to work. The only rap I kind of like is Kanye West, but I don’t really give him street cred in the gangsta world. I don’t really like jewelry because birds somehow always attack me. I’m also a grammar freak; it’d drive me to my grave to speak with disjointed nouns and verbs. And the dancing? Well, maybe I’ll keep the dancing.