So I asked my crazy Uncle Mike (the psychologist not the accountant) to assess my current psychological state so that we may find some answers to my perennial singledom. I have made no changes to his report, but I did want to clarify some things. My thoughts are highlighted in bold.

THE PSYCHOANALYSIS OF JENNY BADGER

Ladies and Gentlemen:

We have here before us a 25-year-old [I’m actually 27, but thanks], college educated (Yes, BYU counts), SINGLE, Caucasian female. The question to be addressed is simply this: “WHY IS JENNY STILL SINGLE?” We shall explore all parameters.

First, the physical layout. No problems here:  a “real” blonde [true], completely unaugmented [no need]—a nicely tabernacled spirit indeed.  Yes!. . .She’s the total package.  (Nonetheless, word has it Jenny might be open to certain surgical augmentations (upgrades) if the right guy comes along.) What a girl! [Um, yeah. For the record, I’m not open to any upgrades. See post The Smarter the Better?]

Putting this more superficial factor behind us, we move on to the all important area of intelligence. If the Glory of God is intelligence, then Jenny is a radiant torch in a world of throw-away cigarette lighters. Her blog is just one evidence of this; her words speak for themselves. Jenny has a mind of her own but is not a prisoner to closed-minded fascism. She probably even voted for Obama [See post My Vote], something most Utahans probably consider tantamount to a full-on embrace of Karl Marx.

Now, to the most intimate facet of this psychoanalysis: Jenny’s emotional functioning.  As a clinical psychologist with over 25 years experience, I can state unequivocally that Jenny has never been hospitalized for mental illness, nor has she had electric shock treatments. Sure there was that one time when she. . .NEVERMIND! Indeed, it appears that Jenny has lots of what us psychoanalytic types refer to as “ego strength.” Let’s face it. She has managed to live in Utah for years and is still able to write her full name and to keep the drooling to a minimum. This is not to be undervalued given that she was raised in an affluent northern California community. What a culture shock: It must have been worse than the Mormons leaving Nauvoo for Utah. [I’ve come to love living in Utah though.]

Now to the social arena. Jenny has friends and knows to have fun [Very few are left. I’m losing more to marriage every year]. But even if you find her a bore, NO WORRIES. Hell, if her old man likes you, you’ll be exposed to all sorts of fun and toys [this is very true]. He’ll take you skiing, golfing, let you drive his Porsche, motorcycles and do all sort of other cool sh*t with you.  Her mom may even buy you lots of stuff [in gratitude, yes].

So what’s Jenny’s problem? Well. . .Check this out. It’s simple: “IT’S NOT JENNY! [really? Maybe a little bit.] The real problem lies with all you twenty-something single guys, you so-called eligible bachelors. You’re all just a bunch of losers with no ambition, sense of adventure and—most of all—testosterone. Yes, that’s right!  I’m calling all you guys out. You’re a bunch of pussies [Uncle Mike! Nana reads this…]. You may have graduated from college and even have jobs, but you’d still rather live at home with mommy and daddy, where you can play Halo and other juvenile video games, surf the web and look at heaven-only-knows-what-else on the web instead of date REAL women. What’s wrong with you idiots? Grow up. Get a life. Yeah, that includes getting a wife. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against hanging with the guys now and then. I’m not homophobic, but you guys are habitually picking video/computer games, and probably porn, over babes. Come on! In my day, and especially during my fruitful five-year serial dating period in Utah, guys liked to go out with the ladies—as many as possible and as often as possible. I remember my senior year when I was dating two incredible blondes at once, oh, but I digress. We also liked to play football on real grass as opposed to you punks who rarely get out and whose only physical injury is numb thumb secondary to too much Madden Football. Get with the program, and to you parents watching, kick them out and get a life of your own.  [Wow, that took a turn. I’m speechless.]

Sincerely,

Dr. TALK, esteemed clinical psychologist, objective expert, and Jenny’s favorite uncle.

**So do you still want to date Jenny?