I don’t drink. It’s basically because I’m Mormon. But I don’t mind when others drink. Guys often see me as better looking when they do. But sometimes when I’m out where imbibing might happen, I just don’t feel like explaining an atypical religion to someone who is three sheets to the wind. So I’ve made it a personal rule that I won’t talk about my faith with anyone who is drinking. Instead, I fly under the “Oh, you’re Mormon” radar.
When there’s good food, a rockin’ band, or the need to brainstorm some new “so a man walks into a bar” jokes, I’ll hit the scene at the local tavern. But a bar is a bar, and most people are there to drink. And the visible fact that I’m not drinking usually strikes up the question why. So rather than explain the reason as being “I’m Mormon,” because some people just can’t leave it at that, I’ve just decided to lie. I’m tired of answering stupid questions about what really qualifies as sex and hearing people’s ignorant comments about how they know everything about the church because they watch Big Love.
So to explain my soberness and avoid such pointless conversations, I’ll use one of the following excuses:
1) “I’m the Designated Driver.” Legitimate and usually passes, and often true.
2) “I’ve already had a few drinks.” Although not as effective as being a DD, many people respect others alcohol limits. If I use this one, I have to arrive at the bar later. Doesn’t look legit if it’s 7:00 p.m.
3) “I’m pregnant.” I don’t recommend using this one because it can lead to another series of question, assumptions, and subsequent lies.
And if those don’t work, I’ll try to blend in. I learned this last weekend when one guy told me that when he is not drinking that night he’ll often get a Red Bull and soda water. He kindly ordered me one, and I noticed it looked exactly like the Vodka and Red Bull he was drinking, except for a lime. I asked the bartender to put a lime in mine, and voila! I was drinking a “Vodka and Red Bull.” I just have to drink it slowly so nobody will ask if he can get me a refill.
But by the end of the night, if I choose that strategy, I’m absolutely wired—talking 100-words a minute and tapping my foot incessantly that it starts to cramp. But I’m laughing and having a good time with my new friends—and making sure they get home. We’ll talk about what Mormons call sex the next day.
7 Responses to “Flying Under the Mormon Radar”
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April 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am
I am NOT kidding you–below is the start of an actual conversation with one of my Princeton friends just yesterday.
Princeton Inquisitor: ok, so i’ve been watching a lot of BIG LOVE… and i have a question
Princeton Inquisitor: are mormons allowed to take antibiotics?
It got better from there…”Are Mormons allowed to kiss before marriage?” etc. Oy! I love the guy, but you would think after 4 years of college (non-BYU), that he would know a little more about our religion than that and be able to separate us from the Yearning for Zion camp…
April 1st, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Umm perhaps he was being sarcastic?
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Why are you surprised that he asked these questions?
Mormon books/websites explain that Mormons tend to discourage “making out” or any pre-marital behavior that could cause sexual passion. When you kiss someone you’re dating, clearly this causes one to feel passion. Thus, his question about kissing makes a lot of sense.
The antibiotic question is pretty reasonable as well. Mormons aren’t supposed to drink coffee, tea, or alcohol because of their affect on the body. But per this recent blog, apparently they’re allowed to drink Red Bull (definitely more altering for one’s heart rate, blood pressure, and general health than a single beer). With so many different interpretations going on, it’s hard for non-Mormons to tell what is and isn’t encouraged by religious leaders. Many Mormon principles feel old-fashioned to outsiders - like how the Mormon Church looks down upon masterbation (which Western doctors support as a natural and healthy human practice). If Mormons are supposed to control what enters their body and to suppress a scientifically-backed sexual release, it makes sense that someone would be curious about taking modern drugs like antibiotics.
I think he was just curious and don’t think his questions were disrespectful or clueless..
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:06 pm
I agree that there are a lot of discrepancies and illogical contradictions with Mormons, which are based on people’s personal interpretations. Do I think someone who drinks a small glass of red wine with their dinner every evening is abusing their body more than someone who drinks a 12-pack of Diet Coke everyday? Absolutely not! But it’s a challenge to convey these feelings to others when I don’t drink myself basically because the church says not to.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I have to clarify my post above (and I should’ve done this at the time).
1) “Anonymous” is one of my closest friends, and we agree on almost nothing. 2) We have discussions like the one above almost daily, by CHOICE. We both enjoy digging deep and asking the hard questions because it forces us to THINK even if we just end up where we started. 3) His questions were all perfectly valid and my post above was not to convey “you’re crazy and an idiot for asking that”, but it was more a loving attempt to relate to fellow Mormons by saying “we all get these kinds of questions- you’re not alone.” I feel like I might get them more than the average Utahn since the majority of my friends are non-Utah and non-conservative. Sometimes we forget that most people (for good reason) really don’t know the answers to those seemingly obvious questions, so we should never stop the dialogue. My bad for failing to give the guy the credit he deserves. And “a”, “Anonymous” admits he wasn’t being sarcastic.
I’m happy to continue having these discussions for your sake and mine, Anonymous…three shots to the wind or not
And Jenny, some of the best and most memorable discussions I’ve ever had occurred after my friends had a few. And it’s good to ask ourselves from time to time “Is because-the-church-says-not-to a good reason for not drinking?” The answer may be “yes” for various reasons, but we should still ask (our religion teaches us to question, right?.)
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:23 pm
There’s a difference between having a few drinks and being three sheets to the wind. I have no prob talking about the church with someone drinking wine at dinner. But I won’t when we’re at Harrios and the guy I’m chatting with is on his fourth shot. I should have made that clear.
And as I again ask myself why I abstain because of the church’s tenets, I’ve decided it’s a small sacrifice to be part of something much bigger. I agree; it’s a good question to ask every once in awhile.
April 10th, 2009 at 8:51 am
jenny, in response to Comment 4: wouldn’t an illogical contradiction be not a contradiction at all?