Everyone has his or her own communication style when it comes to dating. Some are traditional and call the person of interest on the phone. Others feel more comfortable without face-to-face contact and use text messaging, email or IM. Or, like my very first boyfriend, some guys will have his friend call you for him.

Over the past couple years, I’ve noticed guys more and more inclined to send girls text messages and emails rather than phone calls. Not that I’m against text messaging in the slightest. I think it is great way to subtly flirt. However, I warn my friends to be mindful of your texting as you may end up sending a message to someone that wasn’t for them.

Let me share with you a story, a really embarrassing story, that happened to me about a year ago. I was just starting to hang out with a guy, who was a texter. I think I received maybe 2 actual phone calls from him, but he would text regularly. Going with the flow, I would text back, and we had some pretty long text conversations (I carelessly neglected my quota and ended up paying an extra $50 on my phone bill that month.)

Anyhoo, one day I was at work thinking about the current situation with this guy. Not really sure how to handle my feelings or proceed, I texted my best friend Libby, who was currently living in Hawaii, for some advice.

“I think I like {name} too much, and I don’t know how to play it cool.”

I instinctively scrolled through my phonebook and—by habit—I sent the text to HIM! As I was realizing what just happened, a fear of panic came over me as I watched the little envelope with wings fly away on my cell phone. I thought of throwing my phone against the wall hoping to kill the message in flight, but I instead yelled “Sh**! sh**! sh**!” at the top of my voice. (I had my headphones on blasting to Muse, and I wasn’t able to gauge the volume of my voice.) My co-workers all turned around with a looks of offense and shock. Being in shock myself, I immediately apologized and left the cube area to go outside to appease my stomach ache and the oncoming panic attack.

Well, the guy, being a text messager, replied,

“Well, for starters, you can stop sending him text messages like that.”

Humiliated, I said,

“Um, yeah, that text message wasn’t suppose to go to you. And I am really embarrassed right now. And I really hate technology.”

To which he responded,

“No worries, Jenny. You’re a lot of fun, but don’t expect anything serious from me.”

Well, at least I knew what to do—no need to worry about playing it cool anymore. Looking back at how this slip could have happened, I came up with the following conclusion: Since we were texting so much, I had developed strong circuit wires or neuron pathways in my brain that associated thoughts of this guy with text messaging. In other words, because I was thinking about the guy when I sent this text message, my brain, by habit, was used to sending any text messages associated with him—to him.

Needless to say, nothing much happened afterward with the guy. He moved away and on to other girls not long after. So what did I learn from this? Be mindful with text messaging. Use it appropriately, but if a guy doesn’t make the effort to call, he’s probably like this one—just not that into you (nice plug for that book!)

**So if you want to date Jenny, just call her.

While Jenny is away I’m highjacking her her blog to share some thoughts of my own. Hi, my name is Jack, and I am single LDS male in my late-twenties.

First of all, I want all you girls to know how expensive it is for us guys to take you out. I’m just getting started in life, and I don’t necessary have the budget to spend $50-100 every time I want to see you. Anyway, just understand our limits. And I never mind it if you just order a small salad.

Now that’s said, I want to share another frustration with dating. Moms. They are keeping me from dating their daughters. And it’s not because they don’t like me. In fact, it’s actually the opposite. They love me. You’d think that be a good thing, right? It would be—if only the girl loved me too.

Yup, it’s not until I meet the mom that it all starts going downhill.  I don’t know why. I got that adorable thing going on. I’m personable. I look people in the eye when I talk to them. I’m on a professional career path. Even my hair is short and neat, and I don’t have any tattoos. I smile a lot.

I can only suppose that in some sort of rebellion, girls don’t trust their mothers. Maybe I should become some sort of badass, or maybe I should just set my sights on older women.

**So if you want to date Jenny, don’t worry about her mother, Jenny won’t introduce you to her until it’s safe to do so. Oh, and keep in mind that moms love Jenny too. 

So a friend of mine pulled me aside on g-chat yesterday to bring some “hypocrisy” on my blog to my attention.

“jenny, you’re setting up a double standard on your site. you claim that men objectify women through comments about breast size, and in the very next post you claim that men are merely beasts that need to be trained and that women should have authority over them.”

Touché, my friend, touché. But I still hold my ground on what I’ve said in both posts: men will do almost anything for boobs and bacon.

Oh, and I forgot to address one point that’s very important in dog/man training: repetition. Both men and dogs need things explained over and over to them. Patience on part of the woman is paramount. You have to repeatedly work with them, repeat the command over and over again, and don’t give them the treat until they perform the task. But if you’re lucky, and your dog/man is bright, you’ll have a great companion by your side.

Meet Simba. He was a husky, yellow lab my dad brought home from work one day. I opposed the idea of a puppy, but within an hour of meeting Simba, my dormant maternal instincts came to full life. I immediately fell in love.

I named him Simba because he had yellow eyes and looked like a lion cub. Cheezy, I know, but it fit him so well. Simba was brillant, and I got really into training him. I bought all these books and consulted many successful dog owners. (And by successful I mean the dogs that are obedient and well trained. There’s nothing more frustrating than an out-of-control dog.)

Within a week I had Simba rolling over, among other initiatory commands. But it took me hours and hours of guiding his head over his shoulder before I let him lick the peanut butter off my finger.

Simba is on a ranch right now in Idaho (or at least that’s what they tell me). I had to give him away because my job prevented me from spending the proper time taking care of him. I still cry sometimes. He’s been the only true love I’ve ever known.

**So if you are dating Jenny, hold her tight and tell her she and Simba will—either in this life or next—be united again. She’ll then make you some bacon.

Training a man is a lot like training a dog. I thought about this idea as I watched the finals of the International Sheepdog Festival in Midway, Utah yesterday. I saw how well these Border Collies obeyed the commands of their owners and thought, “if only women could have that same authority over men.” Well, I think we can. A lot of the same tricks and tactics used to train a dog can apply to training a man.

First, understand that dogs and men always have one of the following on their mind: food, sex, or attention. The key is to play off of one of these three instincts.

Second, the most important rule of effective training is consistency. Dogs and men are self-serving: if they know they can get away with something–they will. For example, if you don’t want your dog to jump on the couch, you should never let him on the couch. Never! If you give just once, the dog will think it’s okay all the time. Or, if you want a guy to call a few days in advance for a date, but he doesn’t call until 5 pm on a Saturday night, you don’t go out with him. You don’t! No matter how much you want to! You politely explain you need a couple days notice. If he really wants to go out with you, he’ll learn to call ahead.

Third, dogs and men respond very well to rewards—as long as it meets one of the three instincts listed above. (As a single Mormon, I’m really limited to just two.) The best treat to use is bacon. All dogs and human males are very obedient when it comes to crispy bacon. Peanut butter is a close second. Dogs and men are also very responsive to warmth and affection. For example, when you teach a dog to come to you, you always reward him with praise—the dog will always associate coming to you as a good thing. If you punish the dog when he comes—grabbing him by his collar and yanking him to his pen—the dog will expect that treatment when he comes to you. Same thing applies to men. If a man doesn’t “call you” in a week, but eventually does call, and you’re angry and upset at him…he won’t want to call again! Be cool when he calls, but remember to stay consistent according to the second rule above.

Lastly, it’s important to reward them with playtime. Interpret that as you like, but both dog and man need to relax and have fun amid all the rules and training.

So now that you have the rules of training, it’s time to choose your man. Keep in mind that different types of men act like different breeds of dogs.

· The northern breeds are nomadic—often retreating to roam the outdoors. They have lots of fur (hair) and prefer mountains and nature to the city. These are also the working dogs and are good for manual labor, whether it’s pulling a sled or building a deck.

· The small breeds suffer from short-man/dog syndrome. Neither short man nor small dog get respect due to their size, so they are often hyper and barky just so people recognize their presence in a room. These are often the pretty dogs or “metrosexuals” who like to be pampered, brushed and get facials.

· The loyal breeds are the Retrievers. You are their world. They are easy to train and do whatever you command—whether fetching a stick or picking up milk from the grocery store.

· The German breeds are the protective type. They like to be the man of the house, and you’ll feel very safe with them. They often have the façade as the tough-guy, which a lot of girls are hesitant of, but deep down they are really sweet and loving.

· The smart breeds are the Shepherds. If you’ve ever seen a Sheep Dog competition (like I did yesterday!), you’ll understand. You can give a task to these types of dogs/men and they’ll get it done. Trust them with either your livestock or money.

**So if you’re dating Jenny, know she is very good at rewarding. It is to your advantage to obey.

P.S. My favorite part of the festival was the splash dog competition.

I was never motivated to learn home improvement skills because I figured I’d have a husband to do it for me. I have no problem with traditionalism—I’ll do the laundry and cook, he’ll tackle home repairs. But without a man in my life, I live in a place with a leaky faucet, broken cabinet, and a smoke detector hanging by its wires. But even if I was married, I’m not sure my husband would be a Tim-the-Toolman Taylor.

I’ve discovered that a lot of men in my generation don’t know how to fix things. It’s still a healthy trait for some in the gender, but they aren’t coming out of the womb with tool belt and hammer like they used to. Take my brother Troy for example. He couldn’t saw a piece of wood to save his life! Kids grow up nowadays playing video games and downloading illegal music rather than building tree houses or model airplanes.

One time I asked a guy I was dating if he wouldn’t mind taking a look at a broken cabinet. I couldn’t tell from his quizzical look if he thought I was asking to take some serious step in the relationship or if he had no idea what the difference was between a flathead and a phillips. I wasn’t trying to send a subliminal message that we should act like a married couple and talk about whether we’d get a dog or a cat or what we’d name our kids. I actually wasn’t really feeling butterflies with him at all; I just wanted my cabinet fixed.

He tepidly agreed to take a look. He opened and closed the cabinet trying to look like he was thinking what it needed. I folded my arms, waiting in vain for him to present a solution. He just shrugged his shoulders. I tried not to think less of him, but the awkward tension between us was thick enough to cut with a knife. He left shortly thereafter.

I’ve since stopped asking guys to fix things, even though I’m still tempted whenever one walks through my door if he wouldn’t mind taking a look at a leaky faucet. I know many young handymen do exist, but maybe it’s a superficial trait to desire in a man—like money or looks. So I’ve written it off, regardless how attractive it is. I’m now tackling these “to-dos” myself. Who knows? Maybe I’ll bump into someone cute at Home Depot.

**So if you want to date Jenny, ask her if she needs help fixing her kitchen cabinet. It’s still broken.

If you were presented with two slices of chocolate cake—one is cut nicely, garnished and served with a glass of milk, the other looks like it was scooped by hand and plopped on a plate—which would you choose? Even though they would both taste the same, you’d choose the pretty one, right?

Well, apply this notion to a guy deciding which girl to ask out. Is he going to ask the girl with the cute clothes, curls, and pretty makeup? Or is he going to ask the girl with the unflattering clothes, disheveled hair, and dark circles under her eyes? Even though they are the same person on the inside, the messy girls are shoved aside.

I shared this Chocolate Cake Theory with my co-workers after repeated quips about my messy hair. I told them it’s annoying to have to do the 45-minute routine day after day, so I often resort to just 5 minutes. My faithfully honest co-workers, as sweet as they appear, try to help me out. They feel I sometimes forget about my “situation” and remind me of the Chocolate Cake Theory. If I come into work with wet hair and/or no make-up, they’ll say, “Aw, Jenny, what did we talk about with chocolate cake?” or, “Jenny, we’re having a group picture tomorrow, so remember the chocolate cake.” However, they do reward me with praise, “Yeah, Jenny! Bringin’ out the chocolate cake!”

(To illustrate how honest they are, the first time I came to work without makeup, my co-worker Frank said to me, “Jenny! What happened to your face?!” And please note that I wasn’t offended and my self-esteem is just fine.)

I found out yesterday that someone secretly told my co-workers, “Ya know, Jenny can sometimes look really hot…and not.” I didn’t really know how to take that, but I thought it was funny. I guess I present two different types of chocolate cake. See, the thing is that I’m very fair. Not the Guinevere type of fair, but the pale-skin, light eyebrows/eyelashes, I-can-hardly-see-your-face type of fair. Very vanilla. Maybe in my case, I should call it the Vanilla Cake Theory.

So the moral of all this? Try. It’s somewhat about presentation. But find someone who loves you without makeup.

**So if you date Jenny, remember she has two different slices of chocolate cake. But whichever slice she presents, you’ll soon realize she is full of ooey-gooey, chocolately goodness.

My poor mother. I think my singledom affects her more than anyone else. When she looks at me, I can see the sadness in her face: “where did I go wrong?” Back in the day, my mom had many suitors. She was married at 21 (engagement picture below), and by the time she was my age, she had 3 kids. And here I am, her daughter, in my late twenties, single, and without any prospects—the exact opposite of her.

I really don’t know how I want my mother to be involved in my dating life. For starters, she tells everyone about her finder’s fee of $1,000. (The match has to result in marriage, mind you.) But my mom is bi-polar when it comes to my dating. Whenever people suggests they know someone to set me up with it, my mom immediately says, “We’ll take him!” Another example: one time I was quietly inquiring about a guy at a family function. My mom was standing by listening, and when she heard he was a skier and going to med school, my mom shouts out loud, “Jenny, he’s the One!” It was like one of those moments when the jukebox stops, the whole room goes silent, and everyone turns their heads towards YOU.

But on the other hand, I’ve never dated anyone she’s really liked. “He’s a nice guy Jenny, but I just don’t think he’s it. She has even gone to the extreme of arranging a date when I was steadily seeing someone else. Tell me, how awkward is it when you are hanging out with your guy when some waiter she met last night calls to ask you out? Usually my boyfriends sensed what was going on and broke up with me first. (But thanks, Mom, it was a blessing in the end.)

My mom has a thing for waiters. She leaves my number on restaurant receipts. She tries to secretly give the waiter a nod in my direction. One time, she relentlessly pursued some cheesy beefcake from “SoCal” until he finally agreed to go out with me. (We have quite different tastes.)

Last week when we were eating at CPK, a quasi-cute, super-smiley waiter served our table. After he took our order with way too much enthusiasm, I looked at my mom and said, “NO!” before she could even say anything. She started laughing. “I know what you’re thinking, and NO!” If it were up to my mom, she would have asked the guy out there for me right on the spot.

Back in college, whenever I mention that I’ve met a new guy, she interjects, “well, did you tell him you’re a ski instructor at Deer Valley,” thinking the guy would immediately fall in love because I was a skier. “No Mom, my first words to the guy were not, ‘did you know I’m a ski instructor at Deer Valley?’” Sheesh.

Sometimes I tease my mom by saying, “Mom! I’ve met somebody!” and when she gets all excited, I then say “just kidding!” She tells me I’m too old to be joking about this anymore. She often threatens she’s going to take over the situation and put me in an arranged marriage.

But I try to take her behavior with a good heart. A lot of my motivation for finding a nice guy is not only to make me happy but also make my mom happy. She’s been through a lot in life, and I know she’ll rest easy if I marry a nice guy. I do believe moms have a sixth sense when it comes to their offspring. She’s been right about everyone so far. So when it comes down to the nitty gritty of dating, my mom is the only person I will really trust.

**So if you date Jenny, you’ll probably have to meet her mom, but probably not until you are practically engaged. That’s how both my older brothers handled it.

There is a misperception that if you start a book, you HAVE to finish it. I have been a victim to this, until recently. I was reading a book about the history of salt. I thought it might be interesting. It wasn’t. Overall, it was pretty boring. But I was determined to finish the book. Why? Because I started it. So as painful as it was, I kept reading—until I remembered my economics class from college.

Economic theory states that when the cost of something exceeds the benefit, you should stop doing or consuming that something. Apply this theory to my reading of The History of Salt, and I should stop—even with one chapter left. Why? Because the cost of time wasted reading that book was greater than the benefit received from reading it. So I put the book down. I guess I overestimated the joy of learning about the socioeconomic effect of salt mining in 6^th century China.

It may appear that I’m weak, or I’m the one losing out by not finishing the book, or I don’t have the character to finish what I’ve started. On the contrary. I am the winner. I’m the winner because I was strong enough to RECOGNIZE that by continuing to read that book, I was losing opportunities to do other things more valuable with my time.

To illustrate my point, I created the graph below.

As you can see, I continued reading to the point where the time spent and the opportunity cost was greater than the joy I received from reading. In other words, I should have put down the book a long time ago.

Please note that it DOESN’T matter that I’ve already invested all those hours. Those are sunk costs. They can’t be part of my decision whether or not I should continue to about the history of salt. My decision has to be based on what’s the most valuable to me in the future—and it was NOT finishing that book.

I’ve applied this theory in other aspects of life—including dating. If the cost of spending another minute with a guy is greater than the benefit he offers me, I stop dating him. For example, even if the guy takes me to nice dinners or buys me gifts, those benefits still don’t outweigh the cost of having to listen to him talk about how he’s the greatest lawyer ever to walk the face of the earth. I also created another graph to illustrate this:

As you can see in this graph, I’m a lot better at recognizing when to call it quits with a guy than I am with a book

I loved that econ class. It taught me how to maximize every decision with the economics of life. The result? I’m now spending my time enjoying a really funny book about an agnostic man who tried to live the Bible as literally as possible. And I’m now dating nobody.

**So if you’re on a date with Jenny, and she starts what appears to be doodling on a napkin, don’t think she’s drawing pretty flowers. She’s probably doing some cost/benefit analysis of whether or not it’s worth spending any more time with you that evening

Sometimes you have those moments that remind you just how single you really are. I had just that moment when I suddenly had an extra ticket to The Police concert with only a couple hours to find a replacement.

T - 120 minutes
Excited! I first call my bff. She’d appreciate the ticket. No answer. Maybe she was away from her phone. Try again. No answer. Again. No answer. Crap.

T - 110
Still optimistic. Time to start other calls. Not sure who to call but start scrolling my address book. “All right,” I think. “Who is worth a $100 ticket?”

Immediately plan of action: eliminate every guy who

A) I never called back

B) never called me back

C) is engaged or has a girlfriend

D) I don’t want to give the wrong impression that I’m asking him out

Hmmm…doesn’t leave me a lot of options. Let me think for a minute.

My strategy: send out a mass text and take the first to accept.

T-90
Anxious. No one has responded. Still have some time, but I keep scrolling. Diggin’ deeper. I go back to the elimination list. Wonder if Joe is bitter about never calling him back. What the hell…I call. Answering machine. No message. Probably for the better.

T - 60
Getting really nervous. Okay. Don’t want to waste a ticket. Just want someone fun. Why is it that no one answers his/her phone when you really need them? How about a co-worker; maybe he’d like the ticket. His text replies “Thanks but no thanks. Go ask out Starbucks boy.” Believe me, if I had a better option, I wouldn’t be calling.

T - 45
Frustrated. Forget boys. Who needs them? I call my girl friend. Nope. Can’t go because she’s going with a group to see a movie. If only she had known earlier that day. I don’t buy it. You’ll pass to see Sting live for a movie? Christian Bale will be here next week. Sting won’t. Don’t tell me you can’t break plans for a movie. Maybe there’s a cute boy in the group. Jealous.

T - 40
Try another. I call my engaged friend. She’d appreciate a free concert. I call. Says she might be able to go but on one condition: I’d have to go 45 minutes out of my way to pick her up and wait until she’s finished dinner with her fiancé. Doesn’t really make it easy for me. This is what happens when you lose a friend to marriage. She’d rather sit and watch tv with her fiancé.

T - 35
Annoyed. I call my older brother. Family can be fun, right? He flat out said he had no desire to go. Hates concerts. Do I appreciate the honesty or prefer a made-up excuse?

T - 30
Desperate. Really digging deep into the address book now. I call a friend I haven’t talked to in 6 months. No answer. I even call a person I got their number from a party, but never really intended to call. I don’t really know what to say to him/her. “Hey! I never call you because I don’t really have a reason or desire to hang out with you, but I kind of don’t have any friends right now, and I’m hoping you’ll step in as a pitch hitter.” No answer. He/She probably had no desire to hang with me either.

T - 20
Depressed. No returned calls. Sigh. I guess the cool single people have plans on Saturday nights. I take one last desperate attempt and call my bff. She always has weekend plans but maybe… Wait? She answers! No plans and you want to go? And you’re way excited? You can be ready in 20 minutes? Awesome. She came with wet hair and all.

T - 0
Rockin’ out! The concert and Sting (of course) was amazing.

Ultimately, I just wanted to give the ticket to someone who’d really appreciate it, and I did. Mission accomplished!

**So if you want date Jenny, know she likes to go to concerts and sometimes gets tickets at the last minute because she’s single. (People want her to find a date.) But that’s unpredictable, and it might be best just ask her to a concert. Below is a list of upcoming concerts Jenny would like to see.

8/4 – James Taylor – USANA
8/18 – Jack Johnson with Rogue Wave and Neil Halstead - USANA
8/27 – Dave Matthews Band - USANA

Being single definitely has its perks. Since married people often feel sorry for single people, singles can use that pity to their advantage. Below are some ways how I leverage my singledom.

• I tell my (married) manager I have to leave work early to get ready for a date, reminding him that “I’m single,” and he feels sorry for me and lets me go.
• When I’m shopping and I try on a pair of expensive jeans that look really good, I tell myself, “I’m single” which justifies my purchase. Or if I happen to be hanging out with my parents, and we go shopping, I can guilt trip them into buying <insert makeup or item of clothing> by telling them “I’m still single; I obviously need help getting married,” to which they feel bad for me and buy the <insert makeup or item of clothing>.
• Whenever my parents come across free tickets to a concert of Jazz game and they can’t go, I always get first dibs because, “I’m still single.” (Jazz tickets are good bait for a cute guy.)
• (This is not about me, but another example.) When my brother Troy was single, he justified a $20,000 loan to buy an Audi. Now that he’s married, he drives a beat-up old station wagon.
• I currently pay for a personal trainer. It’s pricey, I know, but hey, “I’m still single!”

But people can reverse the tactic and use your singledom against you.

• When my boss tells me that I can work 60 hours a week because “I’m single.”
• When someone asks if I could housesit for him next week because “I’m single.”
• When I tell my co-workers I don’t want to go out to lunch (because I just bought some jeans) and they say, “Oh c’mon. You’ve got money. You’re single.”
• When my mom tries to comb my hair for me in public, “Jenny, let me help you. You’re still single.”
• When I’m about to help myself to a second serving of chocolate cake, and someone whispers to me, “you really shouldn’t eat that. You’re single.”
• When someone wants to set you up on a date and you say, “I’m don’t do blind dates” and she comes back with, “You really should not be so judgmental. You’re still single.”

If anyone knows other ways I can use my singledom to get ahead of married people, please share them. Equally as important, please share any ways married people might use my singledom against me.

**And if you date Jenny, don’t take it personal if she tries to use the “I’m single” trick in front of you. She’s been using it for so long, it’s practically a reflex.