I gave up on New Year’s Eve about 3 years ago. It’s not that I despise the idea of new beginnings, a fresh start, a brighter future. I despise that moment—the strike of midnight—when the world is celebrating the future together.

For seven years I’ve chased that moment when I would have a wonderful New Year’s kiss at the stroke of midnight. I’ve driven to California and Las Vegas for a fabulous New Year’s parties, only to be left with an unclimatic night and $200 fewer dollars in my bank account.

My efforts to create a “night to remember” were in vain, for they always left with a “night not to remember.” So when I finally realized this reality that New Year’s Eve will never be on a dance floor with a guy confessing his undying love for me, I’ve ignored the holiday.

I don’t know if I should blame the ex-boyfriends who take family vacations over New Year’s, or the weird guys at Ciseros with their alcoholic breath, or even that damn When Harry Met Sally movie that has made every real-life New Year’s Eve moment not good enough, but I want to blame something.

Tonight I am going out, and I need to finish writing so I can go get ready. But I’m not so much expecting a night out of When Harry Met Sally but rather Happy New Year, Charlie Brown. For Charlie Brown always had disappointing holidays, but it never stopped him from trying to celebrate.

But I should enjoy this night for what it’s worth. Valentine’s Day is only 6 weeks away.

**So if you want to have a New Year’s Eve moment with Jenny, she’ll be at some fancy party in Pinebrook…probably at the food table.

In my last post I discussed (and readers subsequently commented) about the necessary gear you need to survive EOTW. But EOTW may not actually be a worldwide event; it may just be a moment when you find yourself stranded in the wilderness, or the moment you realize all your friends a married and you’re not. I recently read a book called Deep Survival, by Lawrence Gonzalez, which discusses the science of survival. Namely, the reasons why some people survive in certain situations and why others just lay down and die. The book leads you to ask yourself, am I a survivor? The following list is the author’s summary of the essential characteristics of a survivor (along with my own thoughts about how to survive singledom):

1. Perceive, believe. Even in the initial crisis, survivors’ perceptions and cognitive functions keep working. Look and see your surroundings. So when you first realize “OMG, I’m going to be single forever!” look at all your surroundings. Is Prince Charming the guy you’ve known since the 5th grade?

2. Stay calm. Use humor and fear to focus. Survivors are making use of fear, not being ruled by it. Remember, life can be funny single (hence the blog). Let singledom be a life builder for your identity, not a life destroyer.

3. Think/analyze/plan…and take correct, decisive action. Survivors quickly organize, set up small, manageable tasks and routines, and institute discipline, and are bold and cautious while carrying out tasks. Assess your social calendar. Call some friends. Make some plans. Blow dry your hair so you feel pretty. Introduce yourself.

4. Celebrate your successes. Survivors take great joy from even their smallest successes. Ah, he smiled at me; he got my number; he called! You got it, girl! This gives you the confidence and momentum to know that

5. Count your blessings. Be grateful you’re alive—this attitude is how survivors become rescuers instead of victims. Live happy whether you are single or not. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy married. (And remember all the unhappy people in bad marriages.)

6. Play. Since the brain and its wiring appear to be the determining factor in survival, this is an argument for expanding and refining it. Sing, play mind games, recite poetry, count anything, do mathematical problems in your head. The best thing to survive singledom is to be doing fun stuff. Learn how to fly fish, play the piano, field strip a gun etc, etc.

7. See the beauty. Survivors are attuned to the wonders of the world. They marvel at their surroundings. There are so many beautiful, beautiful men in the world. Enjoy them—even if it’s just Christian Bale in a bat suit. It keeps your libido fire alive.

8. Surrender. Survivors manage pain well. They let go of their fear of dying. Hey, if I’m alone, I’m alone. Life is better single than being married to the wrong person.

9. Do whatever is necessary. Survivors have meta-knowledge: They know their abilities and do not over- or underestimate them. Unless you’re Charlize Theron, don’t only go for the guys who make millions and models for Calvin Klein. Same for you guys. Basically, have the expectation that you’ll get what you put on the table.

10. Never give up—let nothing break your spirit. There is always one more thing that you can do. Survivors are not easily frustrated. Never, never, NEVER settle. And remember, guys aren’t attracted to girls who are bitter about their situation.

Well, that’s it. That’s how you can survive in the dead of wilderness or the wild world of singledom. Ultimately, it comes down to not letting emotion take over reason. Don’t let your insatiable desire to get back to civilization (or get married) make you act all crazy. Instead, let that emotion drive reason—move you forward in smart, thoughtful ways. Know that you can survive on your own, and you won’t even see it coming when you’re finally rescued.

Having all these free time being unemployed, I have a good dosing of surfing the Internet everyday. One day searching for ways to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex, I read that orange makeup is the best color for blue eyes. I thought “orange??…eck.” But I learned that orange is on the opposite side of blue on the color wheel, which means it contrasts the most with blue—making it really pop out.

So during a little shopping adventure in downtown San Francisco last weekend, I saw a Sephora store and thought to try this color theory out. Sephora is like a candy store for the face. With all its colors and flavors, you want to sample everything. But beware—this is unsupervised sampling. I realized this while I was trying on a “Pumpkin” eyeshadow when I noticed a homeless person next to my right spraying himself with the perfume samples. Then I noticed on my left a transvestite sampling a tube of red lipstick (gotta love San Fran). I was following hygienically best practices using a q-tip and cotton ball, so when I looked down at the q-tip covered with orange eyeshadow in my hand, I thought “oh gross.” I wanted to walk out of there but was kind of trapped, and I was afraid of either being mugged or bitchslapped if I rudely rushed by. So I waited and pondered about sampling.

An advantage of still being single is that I can still sample. Married people have made their purchase—but I’m still in the buying process. Sometimes it’s still fun to sample without ever having any intention to buy. I sometimes purposely walk into a cookie shop and ask for a sample. As I slowly chew my free treat, I try to look like I’m intently thinking about what to buy, only to sneak away when the cookie lady got tired of waiting for my order or became distracted with a real customer. Sometimes I’m “thinking” for a long time and have to ask for additional samples until I have an exit. (These are not my proudest moments.) It’s similarly hard to sneak away when sampling a guy. Saying, “thanks, but no thanks” can be awkward. It’s easier to either wait for the guy to get distracted with another girl or finally give up waiting for you to “decide” your schedule. Regardless how you exit, I always thank him for the sample.

Back at Sephora, the man/woman finally said something like this color was hideous and strutted off. I decided I was done sampling, grabbed my Pumpkin eyeshadow, and shuffled off to the register.

**So if you’re dating Jenny, you may just be a sample. But who knows? You might just be the orange eyeshadow she wasn’t expecting to compliment her—but did.

I feel a little bad about my last post. I really hope this guy doesn’t google my name and find it. Anyhoo, after reading my cousin’s comment on my last post (Hi Kelly!), I want to continue to discuss this topic of “pickiness.” So, let’s dive into this a little deeper and talk about The List.

The List refers to the list of attributes or traits a girl wants to find in a man, and I’ve broken it down into 3 different tiers.

• Must-Haves: The no-exceptions rules. These include religion, family aspirations, morals, some personality traits, etc.

• Nice-to_Haves: Things that are desirable in a mate but not deal breakers. These include common interests, family background, physical features, job, money habits, etc.

• Definitely-Nots: things that make you say “I would rather die a horrible death than marry that guy.” These include mental illnesses, addictions, really bad personality traits, etc.

The List is derived from experiences from previous relationships. For example, I seriously dated a guy who suffered from clinical depression, and it was horrible. So one of my Definitely-Nots is depression. Sorry, I just don’t think I can deal with it. Or let’s consider my best friend. Her List states the guy has to be a professional. She is a professional herself (a lawyer), and it’s just been a problem for her in the past dating guys who are insecure and intimidated by her success.

Granted, some items on The List are superficial like  “6’ is my minimum” or “he has to save the world from terrorists.” This is often a result of watching too many romantic movies. But The List changes over time as you live and learn what really matters and what doesn’t. Now I want someone who “holds my hair back when I’m puking” or “isn’t in a bad mood all the time.”

So when you say we’re “picky,” it’s because we know ourselves. We know what makes us happy and what doesn’t. The other day I asked my dad, “What would you think if I married a humble sports coach who made only $40,000 a year,” to which he replied, “it all depends on the guy.” Yup, it’s about the guy. He’s when everything you thought you cared about goes right out the window.

**So if you want to date Jenny, you have to be 6’ tall, 185 lbs, thick hair and beautiful blue eyes, and your second toe can’t be longer than the first. You must either be a doctor or a lawyer who won a NCAA title in tennis in college and started a non-profit organization helping women start small businesses in Africa. You also have to bake a killer chocolate cake (but not vanilla), speak French and Chinese, and play Stairway to Heaven upside down with your eyes closed.

Just kidding!

This is the first of many biographical posts here at datejenny.com. I want to introduce you to my friend whom I call The Phantom.

I’d tell you his real name, but since he wants no record of his mortal existence after he dies, I have to use an alias. For example, he did not even keep a journal on his mission, which many Mormons believe deserves to be cast and forgotten in Outer Darkness anyway. But The Phantom is an excellent member of my home singles’ ward. Like me, he’s a veteran. Many have come and gone, but we’re as reliable as Will Ferrell taking his clothes off.

The Phantom is our ward’s organist. He often plays organ solos in the middle of hymns, just like those awesome guitar solos we used to hear in songs from the 80s. He brings a dramatic, gothy feel to even the merriest of hymns, thus earning him the nickname “The Phantom of the Opera,” or “The Phantom” for short.

As you can see from his freakishly long fingers, this man was born to the play the piano. But if you were to ask him about his talent, he says he really should have played the guitar. You see, his older brother chose to learn the guitar as a kid, while The Phantom chose the piano, and the brother went on to be the guitarist for the band Nine Inch Nails earning fame and fortune. (I kid you not!).

The Phantom takes out his resentment from being a simple organist—while his brother makes millions—on our small and humble singles’ ward. He makes us sing the obscure songs in the hymnbook—the ones with the awkward rhythm, high-pitched notes, and lyrics that don’t really make sense. My singles’ ward unfortunately doesn’t have the vocal strength of a congregation of 350. We usually have around 50-75, maybe 100 people at best, and there is little musical talent to drown bad voices out. As a result, the integrity of many hymns suffer.

One Sunday The Phantom was challenging us with particularly demanding hymn for the opening number. Few were in their seats, and even fewer were singing. In fact, I don’t think anyone was singing. I looked up to the stand to see The Phantom’s reaction, and I thought I saw steam coming out of his ears. I asked him about it after the meeting.

“About half-way through the song I was THIS close, Jenny Badger, THIS close to throwing my hands up in the air and saying, ‘Ya know what? Forget it. That’s it. I’m done. You people play for yourselves!’ and storming right down the aisle and out the building!”

Last year I tried taking piano lessons from The Phantom hoping to absorb some of his musical genius. I lasted only a few months because he threatened I’d have to play in Sacrament meeting. But honestly, my progress was slow because I don’t really have a lot of control over my 4th and 5th fingers (I can’t even make Spock’s sign for “Live Long and Prosper.”). My pinkies kept sticking up in the air when I played, like I was a Brit drinking my afternoon tea. I had a hard time facing The Phantom’s disappointment in my physiological disability.

But it’s these talented individuals like The Phantom that inspire me to follow my passions. As single people, The Phantom and I don’t have to worry about much other than ourselves. We have time and money to pursue what we love to do. He to play the piano and the organ; I to ski, golf, shoot guns, do yoga, bake cookies, write, and watch TV.

An overlooked advantage of singledom is being able to do what you love to do. Singles have all this extra time to develop our talents while married people are too busy trying to please their spouses. Singles might just get good enough at their passion to actually make a living doing it. If The Phantom got married in his early twenties when he was a starting musician, his marriage would have likely suffered. But now The Phantom is past that hurdle and he’s now making money as an organist! And I believe he’ll be a more pleasant and happy person in life and marriage as a result.

Right now I hold up my hand with a new sign, my own sign—pinkie and ring finger apart—and I proudly proclaim “Live Single and Prosper!”

**So if you want to date Jenny, impress her with your mad piano skills. She loves it. And if you don’t play the piano, show her that you too have dysfunctional fourth and fifth fingers and you may find solace in each other’s physical shortcomings.

I’m pretty good about discouraging people from sending me those annoying “forward-this -to-ten-people-or-something-bad-will-happen” emails. But I sometimes do enjoy the funny ones, like the one I received last week. It had a list of new words for 2008.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die at the end.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm (an office filled with cubicles), and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.

404: Someone who’s clueless. Derived from the World Wide Web error message ‘404 Not Found’ that means the requested site could not be located.

After I read this, I decided to flex my own creative muscles and try to make up some words that would apply to the world of singledom and Mormonism. All but a couple are original. Here’s what we came up with:

A Sister Robinson: A Mormon mother likes the young man her daughter is dating more than the daughter does.

Cyber School Reunion: The two-week period after you join Facebook when you are bombarded with hits from people you knew in high school.

UFO: A guy who hovers around a cute girl but never actually lands and abducts her.

Fallen Soldier: A single friend who just got married.

Textual Harassment: An assault of text messages from a (usually) unwelcomed pursuer.

Chick A”flick”ionado: An expert in chick flicks.

Nothing But Net: A Mormon who pays tithes on net income rather than gross.

Satelitte: A ward member who lives outside the ward’s boundaries.

“I’m on the books”: What an inactive Mormon says to convince a cute, pious Mormon girl to date him since he is still officially Mormon because his name is in the church records. (And I got this one from my dad’s best friend, who is an Adult Aaronic.)

Okay, I know some of these are a stretch (and not as good as the first list), and I doubt they will ever obtain the usage of such words like wingman, metrosexual, Molly Mormon or Peter Priesthood. But hey…my creative muscles do feel stronger.

**So if you date Jenny, amuse her by using some of her new words in conversation. She would think that she is very “hip.”

Sometimes you have those moments that remind you just how single you really are. I had just that moment when I suddenly had an extra ticket to The Police concert with only a couple hours to find a replacement.

T - 120 minutes
Excited! I first call my bff. She’d appreciate the ticket. No answer. Maybe she was away from her phone. Try again. No answer. Again. No answer. Crap.

T - 110
Still optimistic. Time to start other calls. Not sure who to call but start scrolling my address book. “All right,” I think. “Who is worth a $100 ticket?”

Immediately plan of action: eliminate every guy who

A) I never called back

B) never called me back

C) is engaged or has a girlfriend

D) I don’t want to give the wrong impression that I’m asking him out

Hmmm…doesn’t leave me a lot of options. Let me think for a minute.

My strategy: send out a mass text and take the first to accept.

T-90
Anxious. No one has responded. Still have some time, but I keep scrolling. Diggin’ deeper. I go back to the elimination list. Wonder if Joe is bitter about never calling him back. What the hell…I call. Answering machine. No message. Probably for the better.

T - 60
Getting really nervous. Okay. Don’t want to waste a ticket. Just want someone fun. Why is it that no one answers his/her phone when you really need them? How about a co-worker; maybe he’d like the ticket. His text replies “Thanks but no thanks. Go ask out Starbucks boy.” Believe me, if I had a better option, I wouldn’t be calling.

T - 45
Frustrated. Forget boys. Who needs them? I call my girl friend. Nope. Can’t go because she’s going with a group to see a movie. If only she had known earlier that day. I don’t buy it. You’ll pass to see Sting live for a movie? Christian Bale will be here next week. Sting won’t. Don’t tell me you can’t break plans for a movie. Maybe there’s a cute boy in the group. Jealous.

T - 40
Try another. I call my engaged friend. She’d appreciate a free concert. I call. Says she might be able to go but on one condition: I’d have to go 45 minutes out of my way to pick her up and wait until she’s finished dinner with her fiancé. Doesn’t really make it easy for me. This is what happens when you lose a friend to marriage. She’d rather sit and watch tv with her fiancé.

T - 35
Annoyed. I call my older brother. Family can be fun, right? He flat out said he had no desire to go. Hates concerts. Do I appreciate the honesty or prefer a made-up excuse?

T - 30
Desperate. Really digging deep into the address book now. I call a friend I haven’t talked to in 6 months. No answer. I even call a person I got their number from a party, but never really intended to call. I don’t really know what to say to him/her. “Hey! I never call you because I don’t really have a reason or desire to hang out with you, but I kind of don’t have any friends right now, and I’m hoping you’ll step in as a pitch hitter.” No answer. He/She probably had no desire to hang with me either.

T - 20
Depressed. No returned calls. Sigh. I guess the cool single people have plans on Saturday nights. I take one last desperate attempt and call my bff. She always has weekend plans but maybe… Wait? She answers! No plans and you want to go? And you’re way excited? You can be ready in 20 minutes? Awesome. She came with wet hair and all.

T - 0
Rockin’ out! The concert and Sting (of course) was amazing.

Ultimately, I just wanted to give the ticket to someone who’d really appreciate it, and I did. Mission accomplished!

**So if you want date Jenny, know she likes to go to concerts and sometimes gets tickets at the last minute because she’s single. (People want her to find a date.) But that’s unpredictable, and it might be best just ask her to a concert. Below is a list of upcoming concerts Jenny would like to see.

8/4 – James Taylor – USANA
8/18 – Jack Johnson with Rogue Wave and Neil Halstead - USANA
8/27 – Dave Matthews Band - USANA

Being single definitely has its perks. Since married people often feel sorry for single people, singles can use that pity to their advantage. Below are some ways how I leverage my singledom.

• I tell my (married) manager I have to leave work early to get ready for a date, reminding him that “I’m single,” and he feels sorry for me and lets me go.
• When I’m shopping and I try on a pair of expensive jeans that look really good, I tell myself, “I’m single” which justifies my purchase. Or if I happen to be hanging out with my parents, and we go shopping, I can guilt trip them into buying <insert makeup or item of clothing> by telling them “I’m still single; I obviously need help getting married,” to which they feel bad for me and buy the <insert makeup or item of clothing>.
• Whenever my parents come across free tickets to a concert of Jazz game and they can’t go, I always get first dibs because, “I’m still single.” (Jazz tickets are good bait for a cute guy.)
• (This is not about me, but another example.) When my brother Troy was single, he justified a $20,000 loan to buy an Audi. Now that he’s married, he drives a beat-up old station wagon.
• I currently pay for a personal trainer. It’s pricey, I know, but hey, “I’m still single!”

But people can reverse the tactic and use your singledom against you.

• When my boss tells me that I can work 60 hours a week because “I’m single.”
• When someone asks if I could housesit for him next week because “I’m single.”
• When I tell my co-workers I don’t want to go out to lunch (because I just bought some jeans) and they say, “Oh c’mon. You’ve got money. You’re single.”
• When my mom tries to comb my hair for me in public, “Jenny, let me help you. You’re still single.”
• When I’m about to help myself to a second serving of chocolate cake, and someone whispers to me, “you really shouldn’t eat that. You’re single.”
• When someone wants to set you up on a date and you say, “I’m don’t do blind dates” and she comes back with, “You really should not be so judgmental. You’re still single.”

If anyone knows other ways I can use my singledom to get ahead of married people, please share them. Equally as important, please share any ways married people might use my singledom against me.

**And if you date Jenny, don’t take it personal if she tries to use the “I’m single” trick in front of you. She’s been using it for so long, it’s practically a reflex.