I had to leave my vacation early so my dad wouldn’t miss my brother Chris’s HS football game. You see, my family is obsessed with sport, and Chris is finally a Badger athlete with a possible future in it. He plays free safety for the best HS football program in the state. He has two older brothers who played football and tried playing college ball, but either due to injury or the army, neither got very far.

So the family has put our last hopes into Chris—especially our brother Troy.

Troy was born with amazing athletic ability, except for one fatal flaw—his height. Whether he stunted his growth drinking too much Dr. Pepper as a teenager, or whether karma caught up to him for practicing WWF moves on me as a kid, Troy never made it despite his potential. But, with everything in his power, he’s making sure Chris will.

For the past two years, Troy has been raising/farming/breeding Chris to become a D1 football player by literally monitoring every hour of Chris’s life. He transformed 1/2 of our garage into a home gym, even building a custom squat rack (Well, he didn’t personally build it. See Handyman post). Like clockwork, he calls Chris every 2 hours and tells him what to eat.

This behavior has gone to the extent where I believe Chris slightly fears Troy. For example, when my dad, Troy, and Chris were playing golf last summer, my dad asked the kid, “Hey, Chris! Wanna hot dog?” Without hesitation, Chris instinctually turned and looked at Troy for permission.

(I’m a actually little worried about the kid. Last week Chris came up to hang and relax in Park City. I came home to find him passed out on the couch—chocolate all over his face—and my secret stash of candy wrappers all over the floor. When I woke him, he didn’t know where he was.)

But Troy doesn’t stop there. Using various aliases, Troy comments on popular football blogs in order to hype up Chris for recruiters. In addition, Troy personally accompanies Chris last summer to football camps across the country. Even when his wife was due in one week to deliver their first child, Troy went with Chris to the UCLA camp. He also tried to skip his med school graduation for another camp, but his wife wouldn’t allow it.

I, on the other hand, personally attribute Chris’s athletic success to the year he and I lived together. About 3 years ago, Chris raced for the Park City Ski Team. To be closer to the mountain for training, he moved in with me (and my roommates!) in Park city. My roommates moved out–leaving just Chris and me. Chris wasn’t really used to maternal authority, as the first four kids in our family wore our actual mom out. So I was a substitute parent for the year. He didn’t like how I made him take the bus, and we had some pretty intense shouting matches over eating peas and carrots. Nevertheless, I fed Chris like a horse, and he subsequently put on 30 pounds that year—significantly increasing his strength and size right before high school.

Currently, Chris has two offers from BYU and Utah, with more expected to come after this year. Below is a highlight film from his games thus far this season. He’s number 7, and it shouldn’t surprise you to know that was Troy’s number as well.

**So if you want to date Jenny, it’s important to understand these family dynamics and their obsession with sport. Currently, about 90% of family conversations are  focused around Chris and his football career.

I hate sweat. And I hate other people’s sweat (or any other bodily fluids for that matter). In my Saturday yoga class, there is a particular man who sweats—a lot. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but he sweats enough to fill a kiddie swimming pool. I see him across the room just dripping puddles all around him. He’s across the room for a reason—I purposely place my mat as far away from him as possible. I can’t sympathize; I’m not a Sweater. Sure, if it’s a hot day or I’m working out, I’ll perspire. But that’s it. I’m not a human sprinkler.

One Saturday as I was waiting for class to start, the owner of the studio tapped me on the shoulder. I needed to move over to make way for HIM. Crap. What do I do? Would it be too obvious if I picked up and completely moved? Yeah it would, so I reluctantly stayed put.

About 15 minutes into class, I saw the beads start to form on his skin. “Oh no,” I thought, “Here it comes.” And like a dam breaking, sweat fell all around his mat—and mine. I watched those drops incessantly, mindfully aware where each one fell.My sweat stays on MY mat

The worst part was the guy wasn’t even trying to contain his perspiration to his area. He’d wipe his body with a towel, and then throw it to the side, which landed on my mat half the time. C’mon! Show some consideration on my behalf. The blood must have been rushing to my head in Down Dog, because a drop of sweat 2 inches away actually started mocking me!

“Ooooo…I’m coming closer. And don’t think I’m alone; there’s more where I came from.”

All right. By then I was done. I skipped the final pose and angrily tiptoed around the drops out the door.

But my contempt for Sweaters completely changed when I took my little brother Chris—my favorite person in the world—with me to a class this past Saturday. We soon found out that Chris…is (gasp) a Sweater. Within 15 minutes the poor kid was just dripping. Shocked and somewhat embarrassed, Chris looked at me and said, “What’s happening to me?” as if he was morphing into Teen Wolf or something. Chris didn’t know he was a Sweater, nor did I.

In all fairness to Chris, the class was extremely full, so the air quickly became hot and stuffy. Even I excreted past my normal volume. But watching my poor little Chris suffer, I knew it wasn’t his fault. Chris told me after class that he thought to himself, “Ya know, this isn’t going to stop. So rather than be embarrassed, I’m going to embrace it.” And then he didn’t care. Maybe that’s how the other Sweater thought ( the one I try to avoid). He can’t help it, so he’s not going to worry about it (thus the careless towel tossing) so everyone else should just get over it. Fine. I won’t hold sweating against you, but I’ll still set up my mat as far away from you as possible.

**So if you date Jenny, you WILL be joining her for yoga. And if you are a Sweater, don’t worry. She’s getting over it and starting to accept Sweaters. If her brother is one of them (who she loves very much), then she can love other Sweaters too.

Usually people associate guns and co-workers with a terrible tragedy they hear on the evening news. But at my job, guns bring the employees together. With a disproportionate number of gun activists at my work, I suggested we go trap shooting for our next team building activity.

The two co-workers I work the closest with is Atkins and Frank (first names are hidden to protect them. But I really just call them by their last names because they share the same first name). As an older single LDS girl, I’ve been forced to find a job and work—with the same people day after day after day. Fortunately, I work with cool people, so it makes it easier to show up every day after day after day. (But I often feel I get to know them a little more than I’d like to e.g. they openly talk about their vasectomies.)

I’ve worked with Frank everyday for over a year and a half. He’s the nice, quiet, put-your-shoulder-to-the-wheel kind of worker. He has absolutely no self-control over my chocolate chip cookies (post on those babies later) and gets really embarrassed when someone gives him a hug. Frank releases his pent up fury with weekend paintball battles. He is a fanatic, and his paintball team Bad Karma just got a prestigious sponsorship. He always tries to invite me to his paintball matches, saying there are plenty of young single guys there for me date. I ask him if he would ever set up his daughter with one of his teammates, to which he doesn’t reply.

Atkins joined our team last fall. He was quiet at first, but always talked really loud when it came to politics and the End of the World (EOTW for short). Atkins believes EOTW is just around the corner. He goes to the food storage center every weekend to buy wheat and supplies. One day I mentioned a cool movie preview I saw the previous weekend. Atkins asked, “why haven’t I heard of this movie?” I replied, “Because people usually go to the movies on Saturday rather than buy wheat.” In addition to stocking up on food and supplies for EOTW, Atkins has built his personal arsenal. In the past few months, he has purchased 2 handguns and an AK-47. He’d wear his drop-leg holster to work everyday if he could. He also pulls out a Rambo knife to cut his apple at his desk.

(What is it with grown men playing army?)

So yesterday afternoon, we gather our shotguns to the Great Salt Lake Gun Club for a couple rounds of trap shooting. I owned them all, winning both rounds. A few clay pigeons I pulverized into dust and would say, “Did I hit the bird because I don’t see it anywhere? Oh, that’s right. It’s because I obliterated it.” After the third time using that same line, they told me the joke wasn’t funny anymore.

My dad, brother Chris, and I recently joined the Heber Valley Gun Club. We joined not only to get a discount on our new hobby (and an upcoming Badger Family Championship, see post on June 16), but we also joined mainly because we think it’s cool to tell people we are members of the Heber Valley Gun Club.

It’s open every Thursday night, and I invite anyway interested to tag along with me. Below are some pictures. Check out how happy I am after blasting a bird.

**So if you date Jenny, you don’t have to like guns but know that she does. If you do, you needn’t be embarrassed if she shoots better than you. Her co-workers handled it pretty well. And if EOTW happens while on a date with Jenny, take comfort that she could protect you.

I had a birthday not too long ago. I turned 27. I had a harder time with this one because I’ve officially entered my “late twenties.” When I was 26, I was still considered in my “mid-twenties,” but once you enter your “late twenties” as a single LDS woman, people start writing you off.

This was confirmed one day last March when I realized nobody had called me for the last 3 days—no friends, no family, no one. As I sat there and looked at my lifeless phone I thought, “is this the beginning of the end? Had I reached that moment when singles in their late 20s fall off the radar and are forever lost and forgotten?”

Well, I told my dad that the next day that no one loves me anymore, he sent the word out for people to call me. I then get a call from my brother Troy the next day, Thursday, March 28, wishing me a “Happy Birthday.” After a moment of confusion, and I realized my dad must have said something to my family. I told Troy thanks but to save it for another couple months: my birthday is May 28.

That evening I also received an email from my brother Brandon in California who wished me a happy birthday and asked how I was doing. After I rolled my eyes I emailed back, “I’m doing good, but I’ll be doing better in 2 months when it’s ACTUALLY my birthday.”

Even though Brandon, Troy, and Dad don’t know when my birthday is, it makes me feel a little better that my family comes through with “it’s-so-and-so’s-birthday” text messaged across the Badger family network.

When my birthday did finally come my friends took me golfing and whipped up some homemade strawberry shortcake.

**So if you’re dating Jenny, just know she likes golf and strawberry shortcake, and she now doesn’t like birthdays.

I just got word late last night that Rod Badger has been declared the new Badger Family Champ in Go-Kart racing at the LeMans Karting Center in Fremont, CA. (Congratualtions, Dad!) I heard the race was a close one, with Chris Badger leading most of the way, but Rod swooped in on the last stretch to win by one-tenth of a second. Ouch, Chris! Better not think you’ve won even if you see the checkered flag. A rematch will happen later this year at the K1 Speed Indoor Go Kart Racing in Anaheim, CA. Jenny likes to drive fast too.

**If you want to date Jenny, you better like speed (or at least be able to handle a standard transmission).

Awhile back my dad hired a trainer at a gym in Park City. I didn’t know why he drove 100 miles to work out—until I starting tagging along. We first met Brian Frost (aka “Frosty”) at the Park City Masters program. My dad wanted to get in shape for skiing, and Frosty was the man to do it. My dad walks away from every workout in such pain, that he begged me to come and take some of the focus of Frosty’s wrath off him. Frosty’s workouts are like…shall we say…medieval torture chambers. He likes to work with a lot of the toys—swiss balls, balance boards, ropes, chains, rocks, whatever. Frosty isn’t always nice, especially since we never really pay attention when he demos an exercise (Actually, I really just don’t pay attention because I’m light headed and breathing rapidly from the previous exercise). Despite our patheticness, he hasn’t given up on my dad and me yet. We still meet twice a week  at the Newpark Rec Center for whatever torture device Frosty decides to humiliate us that day.

**So if you want to date Jenny, you have to survive a workout with Frosty. No grace required.

What We’re Working Towards…

About a month ago, my dad, my brother Chris, and I joined the Heber Valley Gun Club. Not only do we love saying we’re members of the HVGC, but also love shooting trap. We’re excited to make this a new category in the line of Badger Family Championships. Badgers love to compete—especially against each other. Below is a list of the current Badger Championships and their respective champions.

• Golf - Andrew (?)
• Ski Racing - Probably Chris
• Free Throw Shoot Out - Dad
• Ping Pong - Jenny
• Tennis - Brandon 
• Trap Shooting - Chris
• Boxing - ?

Once a Badger wins a championship and claims a title, it is difficult to challenge that Badger again. The champion Badger knows that if s/he plays again, s/he could possibly lose. But if s/he doesn’t ever play again, s/he will always be known as a winner, having never lost a competition. But remember Badgers are competitive, and with the right taunting , you might be able to lure them back into a match, if no reason other than to shut you up.

**So if you’re ever thinking about dating Jenny, you’d better start training now. Badgers are winners. Holding a Badger Family Championship title will be a critical factor in your long-term sustainability.