So a friend of mine pulled me aside on g-chat yesterday to bring some “hypocrisy” on my blog to my attention.

“jenny, you’re setting up a double standard on your site. you claim that men objectify women through comments about breast size, and in the very next post you claim that men are merely beasts that need to be trained and that women should have authority over them.”

Touché, my friend, touché. But I still hold my ground on what I’ve said in both posts: men will do almost anything for boobs and bacon.

Oh, and I forgot to address one point that’s very important in dog/man training: repetition. Both men and dogs need things explained over and over to them. Patience on part of the woman is paramount. You have to repeatedly work with them, repeat the command over and over again, and don’t give them the treat until they perform the task. But if you’re lucky, and your dog/man is bright, you’ll have a great companion by your side.

Meet Simba. He was a husky, yellow lab my dad brought home from work one day. I opposed the idea of a puppy, but within an hour of meeting Simba, my dormant maternal instincts came to full life. I immediately fell in love.

I named him Simba because he had yellow eyes and looked like a lion cub. Cheezy, I know, but it fit him so well. Simba was brillant, and I got really into training him. I bought all these books and consulted many successful dog owners. (And by successful I mean the dogs that are obedient and well trained. There’s nothing more frustrating than an out-of-control dog.)

Within a week I had Simba rolling over, among other initiatory commands. But it took me hours and hours of guiding his head over his shoulder before I let him lick the peanut butter off my finger.

Simba is on a ranch right now in Idaho (or at least that’s what they tell me). I had to give him away because my job prevented me from spending the proper time taking care of him. I still cry sometimes. He’s been the only true love I’ve ever known.

**So if you are dating Jenny, hold her tight and tell her she and Simba will—either in this life or next—be united again. She’ll then make you some bacon.

Training a man is a lot like training a dog. I thought about this idea as I watched the finals of the International Sheepdog Festival in Midway, Utah yesterday. I saw how well these Border Collies obeyed the commands of their owners and thought, “if only women could have that same authority over men.” Well, I think we can. A lot of the same tricks and tactics used to train a dog can apply to training a man.

First, understand that dogs and men always have one of the following on their mind: food, sex, or attention. The key is to play off of one of these three instincts.

Second, the most important rule of effective training is consistency. Dogs and men are self-serving: if they know they can get away with something–they will. For example, if you don’t want your dog to jump on the couch, you should never let him on the couch. Never! If you give just once, the dog will think it’s okay all the time. Or, if you want a guy to call a few days in advance for a date, but he doesn’t call until 5 pm on a Saturday night, you don’t go out with him. You don’t! No matter how much you want to! You politely explain you need a couple days notice. If he really wants to go out with you, he’ll learn to call ahead.

Third, dogs and men respond very well to rewards—as long as it meets one of the three instincts listed above. (As a single Mormon, I’m really limited to just two.) The best treat to use is bacon. All dogs and human males are very obedient when it comes to crispy bacon. Peanut butter is a close second. Dogs and men are also very responsive to warmth and affection. For example, when you teach a dog to come to you, you always reward him with praise—the dog will always associate coming to you as a good thing. If you punish the dog when he comes—grabbing him by his collar and yanking him to his pen—the dog will expect that treatment when he comes to you. Same thing applies to men. If a man doesn’t “call you” in a week, but eventually does call, and you’re angry and upset at him…he won’t want to call again! Be cool when he calls, but remember to stay consistent according to the second rule above.

Lastly, it’s important to reward them with playtime. Interpret that as you like, but both dog and man need to relax and have fun amid all the rules and training.

So now that you have the rules of training, it’s time to choose your man. Keep in mind that different types of men act like different breeds of dogs.

· The northern breeds are nomadic—often retreating to roam the outdoors. They have lots of fur (hair) and prefer mountains and nature to the city. These are also the working dogs and are good for manual labor, whether it’s pulling a sled or building a deck.

· The small breeds suffer from short-man/dog syndrome. Neither short man nor small dog get respect due to their size, so they are often hyper and barky just so people recognize their presence in a room. These are often the pretty dogs or “metrosexuals” who like to be pampered, brushed and get facials.

· The loyal breeds are the Retrievers. You are their world. They are easy to train and do whatever you command—whether fetching a stick or picking up milk from the grocery store.

· The German breeds are the protective type. They like to be the man of the house, and you’ll feel very safe with them. They often have the façade as the tough-guy, which a lot of girls are hesitant of, but deep down they are really sweet and loving.

· The smart breeds are the Shepherds. If you’ve ever seen a Sheep Dog competition (like I did yesterday!), you’ll understand. You can give a task to these types of dogs/men and they’ll get it done. Trust them with either your livestock or money.

**So if you’re dating Jenny, know she is very good at rewarding. It is to your advantage to obey.

P.S. My favorite part of the festival was the splash dog competition.