This is the first of many biographical posts here at datejenny.com. I want to introduce you to my friend whom I call The Phantom.
I’d tell you his real name, but since he wants no record of his mortal existence after he dies, I have to use an alias. For example, he did not even keep a journal on his mission, which many Mormons believe deserves to be cast and forgotten in Outer Darkness anyway. But The Phantom is an excellent member of my home singles’ ward. Like me, he’s a veteran. Many have come and gone, but we’re as reliable as Will Ferrell taking his clothes off.
The Phantom is our ward’s organist. He often plays organ solos in the middle of hymns, just like those awesome guitar solos we used to hear in songs from the 80s. He brings a dramatic, gothy feel to even the merriest of hymns, thus earning him the nickname “The Phantom of the Opera,” or “The Phantom” for short.
As you can see from his freakishly long fingers, this man was born to the play the piano. But if you were to ask him about his talent, he says he really should have played the guitar. You see, his older brother chose to learn the guitar as a kid, while The Phantom chose the piano, and the brother went on to be the guitarist for the band Nine Inch Nails earning fame and fortune. (I kid you not!).
The Phantom takes out his resentment from being a simple organist—while his brother makes millions—on our small and humble singles’ ward. He makes us sing the obscure songs in the hymnbook—the ones with the awkward rhythm, high-pitched notes, and lyrics that don’t really make sense. My singles’ ward unfortunately doesn’t have the vocal strength of a congregation of 350. We usually have around 50-75, maybe 100 people at best, and there is little musical talent to drown bad voices out. As a result, the integrity of many hymns suffer.
One Sunday The Phantom was challenging us with particularly demanding hymn for the opening number. Few were in their seats, and even fewer were singing. In fact, I don’t think anyone was singing. I looked up to the stand to see The Phantom’s reaction, and I thought I saw steam coming out of his ears. I asked him about it after the meeting.
“About half-way through the song I was THIS close, Jenny Badger, THIS close to throwing my hands up in the air and saying, ‘Ya know what? Forget it. That’s it. I’m done. You people play for yourselves!’ and storming right down the aisle and out the building!”
Last year I tried taking piano lessons from The Phantom hoping to absorb some of his musical genius. I lasted only a few months because he threatened I’d have to play in Sacrament meeting. But honestly, my progress was slow because I don’t really have a lot of control over my 4th and 5th fingers (I can’t even make Spock’s sign for “Live Long and Prosper.”). My pinkies kept sticking up in the air when I played, like I was a Brit drinking my afternoon tea. I had a hard time facing The Phantom’s disappointment in my physiological disability.
But it’s these talented individuals like The Phantom that inspire me to follow my passions. As single people, The Phantom and I don’t have to worry about much other than ourselves. We have time and money to pursue what we love to do. He to play the piano and the organ; I to ski, golf, shoot guns, do yoga, bake cookies, write, and watch TV.
An overlooked advantage of singledom is being able to do what you love to do. Singles have all this extra time to develop our talents while married people are too busy trying to please their spouses. Singles might just get good enough at their passion to actually make a living doing it. If The Phantom got married in his early twenties when he was a starting musician, his marriage would have likely suffered. But now The Phantom is past that hurdle and he’s now making money as an organist! And I believe he’ll be a more pleasant and happy person in life and marriage as a result.
Right now I hold up my hand with a new sign, my own sign—pinkie and ring finger apart—and I proudly proclaim “Live Single and Prosper!”
**So if you want to date Jenny, impress her with your mad piano skills. She loves it. And if you don’t play the piano, show her that you too have dysfunctional fourth and fifth fingers and you may find solace in each other’s physical shortcomings.
